The Green Grass of Time’s Ravaging Gaze, a Memoir[1]
Discovered by Adam Streeter
Be sure to read the footnotes as you read the story.
It was the summer of 59581, and I was running a small popsicle stand in New York City, Japzealandia[2]. Little did I know it, but my life was about to change forever. The things I experienced that summer have left a mark on my life. It is a mark that, good or not, is sure to stay with me forever You see, one of my customers, a small man from Chinafrica[3], had died. I received the news from the district coroner’s office.
“You see, you’re the only person he seems to have known. He left all of his possessions to you,” I was told over the hoverphone[4].
“Really? How odd.” I had never inherited anything before. My own parents never loved me, and when they died, they gave all of their belongings to my bitch sister, Xerxes Von Furstenburg. Some donkey raping shit-eaters might say it had made me a bitter man. I am in no position to judge them, and I’ll defend to the death their right to think what they please.
“Yes, it’s odd indeed. Odder still, in order for you to claim your inheritance, you must win a three-way wrestling match with two other gentlemen.”
“How very strange! Any two gentlemen will do?”
“Oh, heavens no. You must win a three-way wrestling match with the Orman twins.”
“Oh, sweet Djeeziss[5]!” The Orman twins were a pair of tough customers who went undefeated throughout their careers in the Japzealandia Wrestling Federation. They were not actually twins, but they were brothers and life partners[6].
“Yes! And stranger still, the match begins… now.”
All of a sudden, two brawny, hairy, bearded men wearing nothing but thongs slammed into me from both sides. Sandwiched between their sweaty, hairy muscles, their deep grunts and groans getting louder with every second, I struggled to break free from their grip. They overpowered me. I could not compete with their strong arms and ripped hairy chests. Their thick, dark beards tickled my face as they poked me with their boners. But I knew this was not about the boners—this was about wrestling, and the prize was that little man’s inheritance. The boners were meant to distract me from my goal, and, more importantly, my inheritance.
“Yeah, take it! Take it like a man!” one of them grunted aggressively in my ear. His beard tickled my ear as he said it.
“Yeah, boy! You’re going down!” the other growled.
I struggled and struggled, but they pinned me to the ground. I was on my hands and knees. One of the brothers was on top of me, his hairy, muscular chest against my back, his boner poking my butt. The other was below me, his legs wrapped around my neck. I felt his hairy, muscular chest against mine.
“You give up, boy?” he grunted, and squeezed me harder with his legs.
At this moment, it occurred to me that my popsicle stand was going unattended. I peered between the muscle and fur, glistening with sweat, and achieved a view just clear enough to see that a teenage boy had stolen one of my popsicles. That boy owed me 200 credits[7]! He was sucking on it as he watched the struggling pile of hairy flesh.
That’s it, I thought. That’s the key. I can’t beat them with my strength, so I’ll have to beat them with a bit of tenderness. I pulled down the thong of the man beneath me and put his thick, 8-inch penis into my mouth. I had never made love to another man before, but I would be lying if I said the thought had never crossed my mind. I reached back and pulled down my own pants, and guided the second man’s penis into my anus. He shuddered with desire.
“Oh, wow! This guy’s a real he-man!” he said. Overcome with lust, they stopped trying to dominate me physically and began dominating me sexually.
“Yeah, rub my mantugger[8]!” one of them barked at me.
“Yeah, rub mine too!” the other chimed in.
A cock in my ass, a cock in my mouth, and a mantugger in each hand, I was overcome with pleasure. I trembled and moaned, enveloped in hairy muscle, as I succumbed to their every desire. Both of the men began to grunt rapidly, and more loudly. And, just like that, they simultaneously erupted into both ends of me, which caused me to climax as well. The one on top of me rolled over and lay there, naked in the grass. I stood up and lie across him and the other Orman twin.
“One, Two, Three, you’re out!” I called excitedly, as I pounded my palm on the ground.
“What? You tricked us!” one of them grunted masculinely.
“Yeah, that’s not fair!” the other one chimed in.
“Sorry, those are the rules. Hooray!”
My hoverphone rang, and I picked it up excitedly.
“Well done! Your 900,000,000,000,000 credits have been transferred to your new Martian bank account[9].”
“I have a Martian bank account? Yay!”
Just then, the president of Japzealandia walked by.
“Sir, I’d like to buy a popsicle, and I’d like to congratulate you for being the new richest person on Stumbos 9[10]!”
I looked up at the Chrysler building[11], and at that moment, I knew that this really was the best day of my life.
[1] This text was sent to you in a Futuredyne™ Timepod (Patent Pending). Futuredyne takes pride in the accuracy of its footnotes, which have been included to explain references that may be foreign to 21st Century minds. This text was translated from the Modern Chindi using genuine Futuredyne™ Translapod Technology (Patent Pending).
[2] A large territory formed after the Dr. Pepper/Mr. Pibb wars of 50191. It spans roughly from 20th Century Florida to 20th Century Japan.
[3] An even larger territory formed after aforementioned wars spanning roughly from 20th Century South Africa to 20th Century Russia.
[4] A phone that hovers.
[5] Not to be confused with Jesus Christ of Nazareth, Djeeziss, born in 2041, was the actual messiah and savior of the world.
[6] The O’Reilly Bill, which decriminalized gay incest worldwide, was passed in 2312.
[7] One Japzealandian credit is worth approximately 1/67 of what one US dollar was in 2008.
[8] A small nub on the taint that men evolved in the 89th Century. Its only purpose is to enhance the man’s pleasure during sex.
[9] After Mars declared its neutrality during the Iraq War (which lasted from 2003 to 3049) and enjoyed financial and social prosperity, it became a popular place for the wealthy to hold their money.)
[10] The planet on which our story takes place.
[11] Stumbos 9 is really Earth.
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